


Coriandrum sativum

by lilacnightmares



Series: Flowers of Paradise [4]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Desire, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fantasizing, Humiliation, Masturbation, Phone Calls & Telephones, Phone Sex, Porn With Plot, Shame, Teasing, Yearning, maladaptive daydreaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:42:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28653702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilacnightmares/pseuds/lilacnightmares
Summary: How shameful he was, Ray thought. It was bad enough that he let himself fantasize about her soft lips and the caress of her hands against his cheeks, but now he was playing a dangerous game as he gazed at her image, letting himself play out his daydreams as he touched himself; now, that was just the tip of the iceberg. What would he do when she called him in the middle of one of these moments?Set during Convallaria Majalias. A standalone fic that can read without reading any of the other stories in the series. NSFW.
Relationships: Choi Saeran/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Flowers of Paradise [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1271537
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Coriandrum sativum

His eyes were glossy and the thickened brow narrowed as his gaze traversed the monitor to better take in her features. It wasn’t often that he got these urges but whenever they did rear their ugly head, he’d known that he wouldn’t be able to ignore them no matter how many cold showers that he took. 

It had gotten much harder since she’d come to Mint Eye as knowing that she was cocooned in those sheets late at night got him flustered. 

Oh, how he longed to be tangled in those blankets. As sinful as those thoughts were, Ray couldn’t stop himself from imagining what that would feel like. It was all he could think about since the moment her fingers playfully slid underneath the tight leather of his gloves one evening. He wore them to keep his fingers from dislocating, but now there was another reason—

To avoid the warmth of her smooth skin against his own. 

His lower lip tucked itself beneath his teeth. A breath escaped from his lips only after he remembered that he needed to, and the shame flooded over him once again. It was wrong of him to be doing this but he couldn’t stop himself. He was just so overcome with adoration and desire that it was hard to control his urges anymore. 

These… dangerous temptations that confounded him and made him want to… made him want to do something that would defile and saturation this pure image that he had created of her inside of his head from day one. Ray couldn’t stop thinking about her, not that he had ever been able to do that, but it’d become something stronger than a desire to hold her hand tightly. 

Therein were his shame and insecurities. What did it feel like to desire another person so strongly that you felt that unwavering heat in your loins that needed to be quenched before you did something that would ruin everything? Ray was starting to think that he was overwhelmed with this feeling because he was weak and not strong enough to avoid the temptation of his vulgarity. 

It wasn’t enough that he could feel the pressure of his fingertips pressed against his budding erection through his jeans. It wasn’t enough that he could imagine what it would look like to have her gazing at him with trembling need lining her eyes as her hand stroked him. It wasn’t enough that he could stare at her photos on his monitor, nor was it enough that he could pretend she was here with him. 

Ray was notoriously greedy for whatever he desired, and as much as he wanted to come to be close to her in this way, he was too scared of her thinking of him as disgusting for having desires like this in the first place. 

Would she ever want to look at him again if she knew that he was touching himself to her photos like this? Would she even want to stay in paradise if she knew that he was a disgusting airhead who had defiled her image? Would she even want to speak to him? Would she laugh in his face and tell him he was pitiful? 

His fear was palpable. Nevertheless, he persisted. Ray made sure that the door was locked and that nobody would be able to enter for a short while. The Savior wouldn’t come around to bother him at this hour because she would be resting. 

He could afford a few meager minutes to take care of his problem and then he would work even harder. He would make up for it. He would beg the universe to forgive him. It probably wouldn’t give him such mercy but he would ask nonetheless to continue breathing long enough to see things through to completion. 

He would repent and ask for forgiveness in his mind later, and it would be okay. It would be okay only because he had a duty. But, the last thing he wanted was someone to find him like this. His free hand gripped his mouse tightly as he opened the encrypted folder filled with photos of her likeness. There were countless snapshots of her photos that he had collected over the last few weeks. 

Ray hadn’t saved them, in the beginning, at least, to be used for this purpose. He had saved her photos because her smile had caught his eye and imagining himself in the photos with her had given him the strength to keep working as hard as he could. His Savior had let him choose the tester and he wanted it to be someone he could imagine a paradise with. 

He’d chosen Lila because her eyes held sadness within them and yet, she continued to share kindness and joy with others. Her willingness to exist despite her pain inspired him. His eyes lingered on one particular photo as he traced her features to his memory. 

The elixir had made it difficult for him to always remember everything that was happening around him but he wanted to remember her face if he knew nothing else. 

Even if he was stricken with his idiocy, as long as he knew what she looked like, he knew that he could forever be satisfied. No matter what he was or how he was suffering, her kindness was tied deeply into the fabric of his mind these days. 

Her brown curls that framed her round face, those doe brown eyes that got him excited, and her sunkissed cheeks that spoke of a childhood spent in the sunshine with freckles dancing across her face. 

Ray breathed in deeply, trying to focus more on her than the fact that it wasn’t enough. He instead tried to fixate on what it would be like to kiss her instead. His palm slowly tightening and releasing against his stiffened cock. He could just shut his eyes and imagine it clearly, couldn’t he? Mint eyes fluttered underneath red eyelashes as he tried to see her in the garden waiting for him. 

—

“Oh, Ray, I’m glad you had time to come and see me, I’ve been waiting,” she would murmur as her outstretched hand beckoned him to join her amongst the sea of roses. He would hesitate but her smile would lure him to ignore his fears. The second that she had his hand pressed against her own, she would playfully drag him down into the grass without hesitation. 

The heat would stain his face from ear to ear as her laughter rang in his ears like a bell. Ray would be unable to remove himself from where he’d fallen, amongst the sea of lace and fabric between her legs as his hands rested on either side of her hips. A coy smile would cross her face and before he could say anything more, her gentle fingers could cup his face between her hands. 

If he allowed himself to look at her for too long, he would be overcome with the thoughts of what she must look like underneath all those clothes. He never let himself undress her to his eyes, not even his mind’s eye but he could see if he stared too long… wondering if her legs were as smooth as her hands were underneath the tulle and lace giving her skirt shape and structure. 

Normally, her cute dresses and outfits would make his heart sing, losing himself to the way that he felt when she twirled around to face him as if she were a princess and he was her servant who tended to her every whim and desire. Sometimes, that was what he wanted to be. He wanted to serve his princess until she told him to leave. 

“Princess,” he would breathe, out of shock and a mixture of desire, drinking in the way that she was staring at him with a carnal desire behind her eyes. “What are you…?” 

Without telling him directly, she would lean just a bit closer, the ghost of her breath rolling against his lips as their foreheads touched. “Shhh, shhh… we don’t want anyone to hear us, Ray. I don’t want anyone to get to hear you except for me.” 

The pulsation that ran down his spine at the fear of being caught spurred him to listen to her every order as it left her lips. His heart pounded against his ribs once, twice, and thrice. She was so warm… so warm in comparison to the frostbite he felt from keeping the information room as cold as an icebox. It wasn’t to keep things from getting overheated. It was to keep him awake. 

To keep him from feeling the desire for warmth or for the tantalizing sin of feeling someone’s skin pressed against his own. He wanted her to push him around, but at the same time, he wanted to take charge and spoil every inch of her body in kisses. As long as she was pleasured… he would be alright. He couldn’t look directly into her eyes. 

She didn’t mind, she took that lapse in judgment as an opportunity to kiss him deeply. Her lips were soft against his chapped ones. It tainted faintly of strawberry and something more… something sweet that he couldn’t put his finger on. Her first kiss only broke to turn into many kisses, words spilling from her lips with each one, “I… want you… I want you… so badly… Ray. I want… I want to... be yours. Let me… be yours… so you can... be mine.” 

A gasp escaped him and provided ample opportunity for her tongue to glide past his lips. As he opened his eyes to see her gazing at him so longly, so fraught with need and lust, as the tip of her tongue rolled against the roof of his mouth. He was putty in her hands from that moment, gloved fingers digging into the grass as he tried to remain still. 

He was dazed, overwhelmed, overcome with trembling need when she pulled away. His hot breath escaping in small spurts as he watched her face. She smiled at him, seemingly pleased with herself that she was able to tease him and rile him up just the way that he always wanted to believe that she did. He liked to think that she wanted him more than he wanted if. 

If that was humanly possible, anyway. 

“Good boy,” she whispered. 

It made him shiver, not knowing how badly he craved to hear her praise him over and over despite how much of a horrible failure he was. When she said it, he wanted to believe it. He wanted to hang on her every word like it was a gift from the Gods meant only for him. Leaning forward into her embrace, he found himself feeling weightless. 

Her fingers intertwined with his as she swiped the leather from his right hand and removed the glove from his palm. Normally, he would’ve been overwhelmed that she would think he was a mess with how short his nails had been bitten to the quip. But, right now? He could only focus on how warm she felt, how she was underneath the afternoon sun. 

Oh, how he longed to trace his fingers against her creamy legs until he touched her most precious center, watching the way she shivered and the way her eyelashes fluttered close over those brown eyes. His mouth almost salivated at the fantasy. 

He could see it now, her lips pressing against the back of his palm before she gently inquired, “Ray? Why don’t I take care of that for you?” 

“...?” 

His selfless princess, looking at him with earnest eyes and soft lips as she sweetly and sincerely breathed a gentle command. Ray would see her eyes trailing lower and lower against his body until they rested on that spot between his legs where trouble had begun to arise. “You’re so cute, I love that about you,” she would purr. “I’m talking about your dick, silly Ray… haha.” 

Ray would stare at her with a slack-jaw, unable to say anything as she ushered him back on his knees as she ran her hands against the fabric of his coat, pausing as she reached where his hips met his pants, her smile curling into something more mischievous. He shook his head, opening and closing his mouth as he tried to think of something to say. 

Nothing came to mind. 

“Relax, okay?” her voice coasted him to a sea of calmness. All Ray could focus on was the way her tongue darted against her lower lip, “I’ll take care of you, Ray… just let me take care of you, I promise I’ll make it feel really good. That’s a good boy. You’re so well-behaved, too. Should I… reward you for that? I can think of a few things that  _ we can do _ … or rather, things that I can do  _ to you _ .”

“L—Lila!” 

—

A whimper escaped his lips as his desperation for relief grew stronger. He could feel it, he could almost feel her lips wrapped around his—

Just as her nimble fingers had started to undo the confines of his buttons, Ray was pulled from his fantasy by the sounds of a phone vibrating against the table. His left hand had slid into his pants as his fantasy played out, the leather of his glove catching against his skin every time his fingers slid from the base to the tip, but it was a reminder that he didn’t deserve to feel the tender touch of a gentle hand. 

He stared, eyes wide, cheeks flush, and hair a mess as the phone continued to vibrate. What made matters worse was the name on the caller ID, because staring back at him was another picture of Lila that he had set to be her contact image. 

One he’d taken in the garden when she wasn’t looking, her eyes staring far away at the flowers and her smile taking her places even he couldn’t imagine. The wind sweeping her hair out of her face and giving him a clear view of her neck.

“...!” 

Horrified lines his features as it continued to  _ buzz, buzz, buzz _ . She was supposed to be asleep at this hour, not awake, and he hadn’t thought that she would message him like this. If he didn’t answer it, she would think that he was ignoring her, and if he did answer it, there would be no way for him to hide his sinful deeds. 

He was trapped between a rock and a hard place. 

“Ah, ah— fuck,” he cursed, biting down on his tongue to try and get better control of himself as he reached for the phone with his other hand. He hesitated, and then pressed the accept button as softly as he could. There was nothing good that could come out of this and he was screaming at himself for being so weak and needy. 

Ray didn’t deserve to have her look at him so fondly. 

Never. 

Not now, especially. 

“Ray?” her voice came from the other end of the phone, unsuspecting and kind, sounding a bit tired but still aware of her actions. He was still shell-shocked, hand clenched tightly around himself as she continued to speak. “I hope I’m not bothering you. I know you’re always busy at this hour but I… I couldn’t sleep.” 

He needed to say something. He didn’t want to arouse suspicion but at the same time, he didn’t want to make her think he wanted to ignore her. What was he supposed to say in this situation? Was he just meant to fake his way through the conversation as quickly as possible? He didn’t want to send her away like that. He barely got to see her as it was. 

Speaking to Lila was a luxury, a gift, and he never wanted to turn her away. 

He allowed himself to breathe, and he hoped that his voice wouldn’t crack or strain as he began to talk to her as casually as he could force himself to. “H—Hey,” he mustered. “I… I thought you would… be sleeping at this hour. Are you… Are you okay? Ah, ah… I mean, is the room to your liking? Is it too hot? Is it too cold? I can—”

“No, no, no,” she was quick to wave away his concerns. “It’s okay, Ray. I just… I feel a bit too riled up to sleep is all. It’s not the room. It’s just… it’s me. It’s not important. I— I just thought that I would feel better after I heard your voice. I haven’t been able to talk to you since this morning, so I wanted to see if you were still up. If you’re busy, I can hang up.” 

"I'm not busy," he said, hurriedly. 

He cursed himself for everything. It was too warm in this room, even though he kept it frigid, it was still warm. He shrugged his coat from his shoulders and hurriedly hung it behind himself to lessen at least some of his want. 

Ray's breath escaped him as he could hear her smile on the other end of the phone. She began to tell him about her day, about what she has been doing apart from testing the game out to fruition, and he listened to her every single spell out all of her mindless tasks. There wasn’t a lot for her to do in this place apart from stay on that floor of the building. She kept busy with the RFA, but when she wasn’t in the middle of that, she’d draw or gaze out of the windows. He’d caught her doing that a few times. 

The problem with this was the fact was that she could talk for a while when he managed to get her on the phone. A part of him was thankful for that fact simply because he loved to fill as much of his day as he could. But, at a time like this, her voice was making it much harder for him to focus. She was adding to the fantasy in his mind. As shameful as it was, hearing her speak so casually to him did nothing to quell the tension in his loins.

If anything, it made it worse. 

He was despicable, he thought, phone as far away from his lips as he could manage, but not low enough that she could be able to notice the muffled sounds of his cock against his hand. How dare he do this when she spoke so innocently and nonchalantly to him! Ray wanted to be a gentleman for her, and he wanted to sweep her off her feet. 

He didn’t want to be callous or… who was he kidding? He desired more and more of her with each passing minute but he was too ashamed of himself to ask for more. He stopped himself before he’d gotten further than asking for her hand. She had pushed the line herself more and more, touching his arms, touching his face, and pulling him in tightly for a hug… or a dance. 

Ray was uncoordinated and clumsy despite wanting to be better, and she was always picture perfect in comparison to him. 

That would be why she was sitting in the comforts of her bed, curled up in her blankets wearing something thin and soft, holding onto her phone as her head rested against the pillow with no worry in the world. She was just going about her business and here he was, sunken deep into the confines of his chair as his heels dug into the ground, hand gripping his cock tightly as his hand moved at a snail’s pace. 

Desperately, he hoped that he could reach his peak the minute that she hung up on him for not being interested enough. Perhaps, she’d be bored with him since he barely interacted with her words since she wanted that. Normally, he would be listening and hanging to every word she said to him but he could barely focus on making committal grunts at the end of every other sentence. 

Ray’s head tipped back against the chair as precum sapped freely from the head of his dick. This was so wrong, but it felt… it felt so good to hear her voice on the phone. It was better than him trying to imagine that soft tone in the back of his mind. He hadn’t recorded her before but a part of him wished that he did purely for this reason.

But, Ray could never do that to Lila.

That was why he pushed himself to only imagine what she would sound like and what she would look like purely from her photos. They stared back at him from his monitor, taunting him with what he couldn’t have as she continued to speak to him without a care in the world. She was too good for him, too good for all of this. 

He craved relief, but he knew that it wouldn’t come as long as he was listening to her speak for he feared the uncouth and unwarranted sounds that would escape him. As she spoke, the smallest of huffs and whimpers would escape him but thanks to some blessing, she wouldn’t comment on them directly though she did pause now and again to likely question what he was doing or if he was working.

“Mmm, and that’s what I’ve been up to,” Lila recounted to him, the faintest hum against her lips that sparked a fire in his loins. His eyes widened as the coil tightly wound inside of him responded to such a small sound. He needed to stop touching himself but he just… he couldn’t stop it. 

Ray gasped, a small breath inhaled sharply after he tried to hide it by biting into his lip but to no avail did it help him. He wanted to hold it back but nothing he did was going to make it stop anytime soon, “... _ Ahh _ .”

“Ray?” her voice spoke to him once more, this time, sounding a bit more concerned with his well being as she asked him. “Are you okay? I know you’ve probably not been able to get some rest all day since your work keeps you on the clock for a while, but you sound worked up. Is it… is it another headache this time?”

Oh. 

She thought—

“No, no,” he managed to say through his grit teeth. He needed to hang up, he needed to throw her off of his trail, and he needed to stop before she found out how disgusting he was. “I’m… ah, I promise I’m alright. It was just a.... very long day. There… mmm, was a lot to do for the Savior that I just finished up with.”

Lila was skeptical of him from the minute he lied. She always nearly saw through him when he lied about his health. But, this time wasn’t completely lying. He had worked a long day without being able to speak to her like this. It was just that… by the time he finished, he wasn’t thinking about how sluggish he felt, he was thinking about how badly he desired to be with her and be at her side. 

Her silence on the other line of the phone made him wary, as did the way that he drew a breath into his lungs to hide the whimper that wanted to come out. He didn’t moan or cry out like that when he did this, he always bit down on something to shut himself up, or he wound up sounding like he was in pain over and over. 

At the very least, it sounded so much like the way he did when he was overwhelmed with his need for the elixir or for something to take the burn away from his head. Nobody was the wiser, but he feared the time they figured it out. God, he couldn’t even do this right. This time, it was saving him but what of the times when—

What if she wanted him and her opinion of his—

No! 

Now wasn’t the time for that. 

His jaw was slack and his gaze rested on one of her photos, trying to keep his composure as the heat grew and grew. He was trembling as the seconds passed, lust buried deep in his skin as he debated the option of hanging up on her and making some kind of excuse if he could just— if he could just cum, then he would be able to think again.

He just needed to—

“Are you sure, Ray? You’ve been distracted since I called… if you’re not feeling well, you should try to get some rest already,” the concern in Lila’s voice made him feel worse about what he was doing but he couldn’t stop now. “I would hate to keep you awake if you’re not well.” 

If his soul could go anywhere after he died, he knew that he would burn forever for this. He was just spurred by her voice and the idea that she could have either told him to stop or to continue. God, what if he wanted him to keep going? Would he… would he keep doing it if she asked? His mind frantically jumped from scene to scene. 

This was why he tried to avoid touching himself when he knew that she could catch him. Ray always had a way of losing himself to a fantasy. His Savior had warned him time and time against letting his dreams consume but— Ray wasn’t strong enough to fight his desires. 

Wasn’t that why he was imagining her hands wrapped around his cock? Wasn’t that why he was thinking about what would happen if she was here with him? Wasn’t that why he couldn’t stop thinking about how different things could be if he was as strong as—

If he was the stronger one, could he have commanded enough respect from everyone to take her from her room and bring her back here? Would he have the strength to keep her close to him at all times he got the opportunity? Could he even dare to shut his eyes and imagine what it would feel like right now if she was between his legs? 

Tucked so quietly and neatly away underneath his desk where no one would ever be the wiser of her whereabouts… her soft lips pressing against the head of his cock as her nimble fingers wrapped all around him as she knew just where to touch and prod him to reach satisfaction? His mint eyes snapped open just as soon as the image flashed through his head.

Cover his whimpers, he desperately thought. 

“No, wait, I—” his voice cracked despite himself. He was such a mess. Lila was giving him a way to escape the conversation and he knew that he should have taken it but he just couldn’t bring himself to hit the red button at this point. Was he even masking those sounds good enough? “It’s nothing. I’m okay. My headaches will... Pass. I… I missed you today. I don’t want to stop talking.” 

“...I missed you, too, Ray.” She murmured. There were the sounds of shifting on the other line in the background, and he imagined her to roll over in her bed with a smile on her lips as she said that. She had a faint laugh on her lips. “I always want to talk to you. You’re the highlight of my day, even when we only have a few minutes to speak most of the time. Being able to talk to you like this always makes me happy.”

He hesitated but decided that he could work with this. Forgiveness could come later, for sure, for now, he needed to feel his release. 

“...Yeah?” 

Setting the phone on speaker and against his desk, Ray made sure that he was far enough from the receiver that she wouldn’t be able to pick up the sounds of what he was doing. He let himself shut his eyes and lean back against the chair completely as he bit down into the fabric of his other glove, pulling it from his fingers and discarding it quickly as he could manage as both hands gripped him tightly. 

“Yeah,” she responded. “I know it sounds… kind of silly but being close to you these past few weeks has really been the best time of my life. I can’t remember the last time that I smiled this much, or that I felt like someone appreciated me… the way that you do. I guess that’s a little selfish of me, though, because I can’t have a monopoly of your time. I’m just grateful for the time that we can spend together as opposed to being bitter over when we’re not.” 

Ray had given up on trying to slowly torture himself with the feeling of his orgasm taking forever to reach its peak. Often, he would try to get it over with as fast as he could, but she was pushing him to last longer and longer. The more drawn out these feelings of desire were within his body, he was just starting to understand why people coveted human closeness. 

Why so many people longed to be ensnared in the arms of a lover. 

He let himself lose control, within reason, as he desperately pumped his cock over and over again, abusing the tension-fraught organ as he became saturated with want. His mind began to blur as the heat rose all over him. Nothing made sense at that point, nothing but the need to reach the finish line and worry about his consequences later. 

Those were dangerous thoughts, just as the image he was painting in front of his monitor. Eyes wide, lips agape, and what was once normally neat hair tousled and messy against his brow. What would she think of him if she saw this? 

Would she continue to praise him?

God, he wanted to think she would. 

“You’re always so kind to me, Ray. Nobody’s ever put me first the way that you have… and I always want to do the same for you. Though, I know that my options are a little limited right now since I can’t come and see you myself. So, I hope that my calling you like this… checking up on you, well, I just hope that that’s okay. You’re always making sure that I’m okay, but I want to make sure that you’re doing okay as well.” 

Ray could only wonder if she knew how amazing she was, or if she knew just want to say when he needed to hear it. Her praise of him always came so often that it made his head spin, but the need to hear her speak of him as if he was something that mattered, as if his existence mattered, as if he was someone to be thought of and sought after. 

He was so close… _ so close _ . 

She paused, “That is to say, I hope you don’t mind me doing that. You’re just very… important to me, Ray. That’s why I always want to know that you’re okay and that you’re sleeping well. It’s not just out of common courtesy… I… I just appreciate everything you do for me. Hahaha, you’re a really good boy, you know that? You’re just too good to me. I wish I could pay you back for it… for being such a good boy, you know?”

If his mind had been in a rational place, he may have thought for a split second that she was teasing him about that. Her comment echoed the same one that he’d had in his dream. This time, he couldn’t hold back the sound of his voice as it spilled from his lips. Everything felt much too tight. From his collar to the weeping need in his hands. 

A strangled gasp left his lips as he came, involuntarily, before he forced himself to bite down on the sleeve of his shirt to stop himself from making an utter fool of himself to Lila anymore than he already had. His chest rose and fell hurriedly, as he’d forgotten to swallow in any air as she spoke so highly of him and his cock trembled in his hands. 

It was eerily silent for a long moment. 

“Ray? Ray? _ Hello _ …?” he snapped from his daze as Lila called his name. He felt the shame wash over him just as quickly as the euphoria was his orgasm hit him like a bullet train. It was a twisted pool of delight and unease. “Hey, you’re okay, right? I know you don’t want to worry me, but if it hurts that much…” 

Ray’s throat felt dry. He tried to swallow but it provided no relief to the heat. He’d… the realization of his actions was starting to wash over him now. He’d touched himself while she… while she was talking to him and she didn’t even know. The horrible part was, he almost enjoyed the shame and thrill that was hidden underneath those insecurities. 

“I’m okay,” he forced himself to say, though he wasn’t sure how okay he was at that point. “I.. I’m okay.” 

Lila was seemingly none the wiser of his actions, at least, as far as he could tell. “If you’re having that much pain tonight, you really should go to bed, okay? Make sure to drink some water before, I know you’ve been putting that off because you forget. I’ll have to start texting you to remember to eat and to drink if you keep working this hard, Ray.” 

Even though his mind was hazy, he listened to every concern that she had to say. No matter how tired he was or how he felt, he would do anything to ensure that she was smiling. How was he going to be able to face her after this? Could he look her in the eyes knowing what he’d done? His shameful little secret was growing.

Just as his feelings for Lila were growing stronger every passing day. 

“Okay,” he repeated. 

“...I hope you have sweet dreams tonight,” her voice drew to a whisper as he stared at the device in front of him. His heart clattering hard against his chest before she ended the call between the two of them. “Try to come and see me if you can… in our dreams. I want to… touch you… to be able to be close to you tonight. I’ll be waiting to see you in mine, my Ray.”

Ray was left to stare at the flickering blue light as her words washed over him. A part of him was wildly convinced that she knew what he’d done but another part of him denied that possibility as she could have never known from just the sounds of his pathetic whimpers and cries. She thought that he was having more problems with his health again, and it couldn’t have been more than that. At least, his fears told him it couldn’t have been more than that. 

Did he deserve to be in her dreams after this? 

He wasn’t sure. 

However, her lingering wish of wanting to praise him… of wanting to see him… of wanting to touch him and to be with him… those were dangerous words that spurred him to think of her as his paradise rather than the building around him and the Savior that had given him everything that he could have ever supposedly wanted. 

Dangerous thoughts, however, sweet feelings that overwhelmed his heart. 

Ray was a fool, a fool in love with someone that he wasn’t sure wanted him as desperately as he wanted her within his grasp, but he would continue to be here silently, praying that she would see him as her most trusted person in the world and maybe someday, she would yearn for him in the way that he had wanted her for a while now. 

Until then, he would be trapped in his shame at this desk, hopelessly and pitifully taking care of himself to her pictures and her voice. 


End file.
